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Only right I made an appearance on dog day at the Minute Maid Park.

When I get married nobody get me anything that that says “wife” on it

Kısa ve Öz: “Uçamıyorsan, koş; koşamıyorsan, yürü. Eğer yürüyemiyorsan, sürün; ama hareket etmeye devam et. Geleceğe ilerlemeyi sürdür.” Martin Luther King

By the same token, any Arabic speaker who doesn't feel like calling their vernacular something other than Arabic is within their rights to tell Salameh to go fuck off and pave the sea.

@ChoralsScholar Snobby sluttishness with subsequent irritability.

I was legitimately sad hearing about Norm Macdonald, his absurdist comedy got me through some tough times. Once, he spelled my name french-canadianly, but the vow is still pending ? https://t.co/PhwZkpTXdf

Retweet with much pride

“Bustin’ makes me feel good!”

For some reason I just can’t accept hinge dudes from Staten Island. Jersey? No problem. Staten Island? Just can’t do it

Spider-Man: No Way José

We should focus less on a person’s astrology sign and more on where they park at the mall

Taking a break from twitter & socials for the next few weeks. More deep work and nature = my happy place :) Happy holidays! ✌️

I try to be nice on Twitter, but I'm not being nice to the friends who are helping me draft this Tweet

Babe wake up Dr. Fisher posted a strange and specific detail about his day on Facebook

I’m the Michael Jordan of drunk driving